Well as the title states: I am having one of those days. But today was worse because I came face to face with the ugliness inside me-my pride. What is more sad-I have never thought of myself as prideful person. In fact, I am the first to point out the ugly proudness I find in others! This morning both babies were screaming/crying. The dog kept stopping in my way of walking until sure enough I tripped over him. I had just got done cleaning up a diaper explosion and I had yet to shower. My laundry and dishes though completed last night seem to have already morphed into new monsters this morning. So, needless to say I snapped:-( Not my proudest mommy moment at all.
I chose to leave the room and found myself on my knees before the Lord. I knew what He was going to whisper to me but I didn't want to hear it. It had been a rough morning, everyone gets a bad day, that's a lot for anyone, I need a break-all excuses I was looking for. None of which He offered. Instead-He told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. Now while I won't get into the details of that-I will say it is an area I totally struggle with. I feel above certain things and that I have conquered the ugliness that is my past. I feel like I would be shouting defeat to give into what He is speaking of. Well, He is right. I need that and sadly I need a heart check. For me to be so arrogant to question God-I shutter now at my stupidity. And for me to think I am above something? I am human-I am forever fallen. Wouldn't it be better to admit defeat, grab onto the help He offers and strive once again for Him? I realize now it is actually scarier for me to ever come to the mindset that I am above something for it is then that I enter a dangerous zone of dependance of myself. I shut out room for my Savior and enter in Dr Whitney.
I very much am the type of person who wants to lay out what needs fixing and do it. I don't like processes. I like completion, end results, not journeys. Hence why running has been difficult-I want to just become a good runner-try hard conquer and be able to do it. I don't want to train-that requires time, heartache, (BODY ACHE!) and dedication. Blood sweat tears...but this is how we learn. We reach out for a sturdier hand that is capable of just completing and allow Him to bring us through it all. Refiner's fire. Potter and clay. I too often try to be the potter of my life instead of realizing the lump I really am. And as humans we like playing both sides of this. Some instances I want to skip the process and be good to go because the process is too slow for our liking (running, cleaning, having my life all set, achieving perfection-lol) but in other instances we cry at the process going too quickly-my babies. My 6 year old was born yesterday, my 2 year old was a baby I couldn't imaging as a toddler and my 6 month old shouldn't have a tooth or roll over because it was just yesterday I found out I was even having a 3rd! Vacations fly, time with loved ones fly-and we want it to slow down. But instances that cause me to stretch myself or examine myself-those I'd like to fly through.
Well-now I want to slow down. I want to enjoy each moment as an opportunity to seek Him. In running-call on His name when that side stitch hits. In cleaning-speaking to Him and thanking Him I have clothes and a house to clean. In horrible mornings/moments-crying out to Him because I desperately need Him-less of me-and much more of Him. So really even in these icky moments-He is good to us because we are given the opportunity to bask in His presence and know that we are never alone.
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