The lump I am...

Well as the title states: I am having one of those days. But today was worse because I came face to face with the ugliness inside me-my pride. What is more sad-I have never thought of myself as prideful person. In fact, I am the first to point out the ugly proudness I find in others! This morning both babies were screaming/crying. The dog kept stopping in my way of walking until sure enough I tripped over him. I had just got done cleaning up a diaper explosion and I had yet to shower. My laundry and dishes though completed last night seem to have already morphed into new monsters this morning. So, needless to say I snapped:-( Not my proudest mommy moment at all.

I chose to leave the room and found myself on my knees before the Lord. I knew what He was going to whisper to me but I didn't want to hear it. It had been a rough morning, everyone gets a bad day, that's a lot for anyone, I need a break-all excuses I was looking for. None of which He offered. Instead-He told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. Now while I won't get into the details of that-I will say it is an area I totally struggle with. I feel above certain things and that I have conquered the ugliness that is my past. I feel like I would be shouting defeat to give into what He is speaking of. Well, He is right. I need that and sadly I need a heart check. For me to be so arrogant to question God-I shutter now at my stupidity. And for me to think I am above something? I am human-I am forever fallen. Wouldn't it be better to admit defeat, grab onto the help He offers and strive once again for Him? I realize now it is actually scarier for me to ever come to the mindset that I am above something for it is then that I enter a dangerous zone of dependance of myself. I shut out room for my Savior and enter in Dr Whitney.

I very much am the type of person who wants to lay out what needs fixing and do it. I don't like processes. I like completion, end results, not journeys. Hence why running has been difficult-I want to just become a good runner-try hard conquer and be able to do it. I don't want to train-that requires time, heartache, (BODY ACHE!) and dedication. Blood sweat tears...but this is how we learn. We reach out for a sturdier hand that is capable of just completing and allow Him to bring us through it all. Refiner's fire. Potter and clay. I too often try to be the potter of my life instead of realizing the lump I really am. And as humans we like playing both sides of this. Some instances I want to skip the process and be good to go because the process is too slow for our liking (running, cleaning, having my life all set, achieving perfection-lol) but in other instances we cry at the process going too quickly-my babies. My 6 year old was born yesterday, my 2 year old was a baby I couldn't imaging as a toddler and my 6 month old shouldn't have a tooth or roll over because it was just yesterday I found out I was even having a 3rd! Vacations fly, time with loved ones fly-and we want it to slow down. But instances that cause me to stretch myself or examine myself-those I'd like to fly through.

Well-now I want to slow down. I want to enjoy each moment as an opportunity to seek Him. In running-call on His name when that side stitch hits. In cleaning-speaking to Him and thanking Him I have clothes and a house to clean. In horrible mornings/moments-crying out to Him because I desperately need Him-less of me-and much more of Him. So really even in these icky moments-He is good to us because we are given the opportunity to bask in His presence and know that we are never alone.

So much to learn

   Well blogging is harder than I thought LOL! I had a long drawn out blog all typed and realized..nah-didn't want it. I tend to be a woman of WAY too many words-shock shock. I definitely tend to over share. I use to think this wasn't such a good thing but I am finding now that I enjoy being that transparent. I have nothing to hide. If I can be who I am before my Savior and stand forgiven then I certainly shouldn't worry about putting on a facade in front of people. Coming from a people pleaser such as myself this is a huge revelation! One of my absolute dearest friends put it straight to me ( she tends to do that a lot-praise God for call it like it is friends!). She asked me why I care so much what others think & worry about their judgement yet I go before God in prayer & worship filthy and all and don't mind at all what He thinks. He should take me as is right? Yes true He sees His Son  not me-but point is-if I can stand before the One who is the Judge and be free-why bind myself to the slavery of others' opinions? It has been beyond freeing!

    And on the subject of freeing-that is the beautiful place I am now. I am seeing this freedom through Shaun's teaching on Galatians, to re-learning my doctrine (more on that later), to a book I am devouring now. (more there too) Christ died to set us FREE! Most rejoice quickly in this truth when it comes to bondage of sin. Of course He set us free! But I am finding a freedom from legalism and rules and expectations. I have been brought up in churches and attended them throughout my adult life that beat it into my head to:

1)have a quiet time

2)read your Bible daily (or in a year if it is time for resolutions)

3) rededicate my life (for those times when I get off track-this is too funny-aren't we ALWAYS off track?)

4)go to church-rain shine sleet snow sickness, every event every program-and if you miss-here comes the guilt trip

"For freedom Christ has set us free;stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Read that again. Paul doesn't say don't submit to a yoke of sin. He says a yoke of slavery. He explains throughout Galatians not to put rules, expectations and legalism to our faith. While all the things I was taught are not bad things-they also are not beneficial if I let them become what my faith is about. My faith is Jesus-HE is my prize. Not church attendance, not daily Bible reading or a quiet time I don't keep regularly. I desire those things because of Him but they are not requirements. I was always rededicating my life when I got too far off. REALLY? I am never going to be ON. I am a sinner-filthy and all-even my best is junk. Isaiah 64:6 (ESV) "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment." See even the best I can offer-is filthy, polluted, nasty. So "starting over'" is a vicious cycle-it becomes about behavior modification and doing good things rather than resting in His grace. This isn't a license to sin but a freedom to choose grace and seek His ways. When we fall, repent and seek Him. That simple. Church attendance-oh the days of feeling either guilty for missing or proud of the fact that I was always there. Both are sad in all reality. I was even teaching Jarrett at a young age that we always go to church. While yes I love going to church to worship and learn that is NOT what I want to teach him. I want to teach him Jesus. We go and we soak up the grace of Jesus-but our faith is not based on,  founded upon, or dependent upon going to church. If I miss a Sunday-ok-I still have Him. If I choose a day to rest in Him-ok. He doesn't need my record attendance. I found true freedom in realizing that I do not have to be bound by a yoke of slavery of darkening the church doors every time they're open. 

I am so thankful God caught my attention in all this. I was headed down a road of a typical Pharisee or even the Judaizers. I had conditions on my faith without realizing it. I desired Jesus but I also took on that yoke of doing this & that and either being caught up in guilt for not doing something or patting myself on the back for completing it. 

   I still struggle in all this. I feel bad that I haven't picked up my Bible in a few days-okay since the last sermon. I feel bad that I missed church for something else. I feel bad that I sinned in the same area. But slowly I am learning to lean on Him. My attempts are but that-attempts. They will never measure up. I choose Him. And with that comes freedom and His guidance in this crazy life. Thank you Lord for showing me freedom is You and You alone.

No more trying

   Hello once again to blog world. I am pretty sure I have at least 4 of these floating out in cyber world. I always attempt one only to state "here i go-trying again" or "hope this isn't one of two posts for the year" To no surprise, one I found had-you guessed it-2 entries!

   Life as I last left it on here has changed drastically. Obvious changes:

1) Family has expanded. Where Shaun & I once thought we'd be that only child family due to pregnancy problems of the past-we now boast a house full of kids! Ok-3 total-but being outnumbered at this point it always sounds & looks like a zoo in my home. I cherish Michelle Duggar & her HUGE family (more on that for another post) but I am feeling pretty good with 3 because even while writing this blog I have put one down for a nap, made a snack of various foods for another & fed, changed, walked, cuddled, held, etc the other. Needless to say these few sentences have taken about an hour! However, I am forever thankful to my Lord for these demanding-uh-I mean precious kiddos. In all seriousness-I cherish my zoo!

2) Job-this one is quite a change to say the least. One blog alone cannot hold all that is the story to our current calling-church planting. It is fun, exciting, terrifying, challenging, adventurous, thrilling, confusing and freeing all wrapped into one big journey I can't begin to explain. Although it is filled with unknowns, I wouldn't change where we are for the world. Again, many more blogs to come!

3) Me-yes I know we all change, Whitney, duh! Well this is a current broken yet peaceful process right now. The Lord has captured my heart in a way unexplainable with words. He has shown me through so many avenues, changes, people and Scripture the FREEDOM that truly is Christ. He is my prize-and all that I am after. I am done with behavior modification, legalistic thinking and glorified country club gatherings we call Bible studies and worship. I am done with my fake smiles, plastered outward appearance and am ready to be free, broken, wounded, joyful and whatever else for all to see to the glory of Him. And while yes other things have changed about me-ahem-clothing size, few gray hairs and stretch marks-I am content (okay okay I am working on it) but I am learning contentment in Him not the temporary.

   SO-here we go-no trying to make a blog work. No trying to be a better person (learning that's impossible) and no trying to live up to expectations impossible to attain. Welcome to my new found friend-the blog-a place to put my thoughts-jumbled and all-and for others to see. Join me as I learn not WHO am I but WHOSE am I. I am_______ fill in the blank and I no longer care about that. But I BELONG to HIM and that I most certainly DO care about. Til the next one....